am I becoming this?

The more I live these days, the more I discover what I'm losing.

You see, I have this crippling pain. Not from an accident, not from a fight, or a birth defect. It just decided to start one day. And recently, it's decided to get much worse.

I haven't always been healthy, more like the opposite, but I've always had a healthy frame of mind. When I was a kid, I'd get sick every other month or so, but I didn't let it bring me down. I didn't feel like I was cursed with some incurable disease. I just accepted the fact that I'm helping the Kleenex company sustain themselves in a rough economy, and didn't let it effect my life. I think developing that from when I was younger has become a really good thing. I'm not unwilling to do things, just because I'm not at my best. In fact, I assume that I'm going to be sick at any moment, and that state of being should be considered normal.

I think those thoughts make life right now a little more difficult. I keep thinking to myself, "this isn't really a big deal, I can still live life normally. I can still do everything I used to be able to, I'm just a little sick."
But I'm not just sick.
The more I try and do those "normal" things.. the more I realize that this isn't just a cold. This is something that entirely changes my life. I can't even stand up straight, walking exhausts me. At one point, even driving was difficult! But when I do those things, and when I struggle through them.. I don't think about it. I just push through it.

I've had more time to think lately. Thinking about what I used to be able to do.. and what I can't do now. I notice myself avoiding doing something I would've done easily back then, simply because it would hurt intolerably. And then I miss it. The more things I avoid doing because the pain is too much, the more pain I feel from not being able to do them. The thought of never being able to do them again.. can't even sink in. I can't even come to terms with that thought, although it looms more and more over my head each day.

I may not ever be able to run again. I may not even be able to stand up straight again. I can't look up at the stars... I can't hold my baby brothers like I used to. I can't help out around the house like I used to. All of my usefulness is disappearing daily. I'm no longer a help to my parents, but a hindrance. A burden. I never thought that I would be like this. I always thought that I was healthy. I can't even imagine being crippled like this for the rest of my life. I don't even want to think of what that life would be like. I still think of it like a little thing, belittling it in my mind as something that doesn't really effect my life.

And then I feel the pain. And then I try to stand up, but can't. And try to walk, but have to sit down.

just thinking

over the past few days, I've been spending a lot of time in thought. I've had a recurring decision (a test of character, if you will) face me in the past few months. The more I think of it, the more often I can see the test in my past.

I am faced with a friend who I care about, but has hurt me somehow. Most often in a passive, unintentional way. Temptation to lash out irrationally consumes my soul, to somehow convey how I feel, through misdeeds and painful speech, purposefully trying to bite with words.

But then I think.. why do I feel hurt? Why do I feel neglected or under appreciated? These thoughts lead to others, they make me rethink who I am, and who I need to be as a friend.

I've been told that I'm loyal, but I can't stop simply with loyalty, but to do more for my friends than what anyone else would even think of doing. I want to be entirely dependable, undeniably trustworthy, and I want to mean something to my friends. I want to be the most. I want to be special. And I want to be treated that way.

That's where the problem lies. I should have those characteristics, but without the desire, the need that I have, to be appreciated. My friendship should be humble, unassuming, and truly loyal. Always assuming the best, and never holding a grudge. Being cheerful when facing disappointment, optimistic when I feel like no one cares as much as I do.

I've faced this crossroad. On one side I can attack with subtle sarcasm and passive aggression, in a poor attempt to show how I feel. When all my good actions seem to fail, I can quit, and be a jerk. Letting the feelings burst out.

I'm ashamed when I do.

On the other hand, I can truly be the friend I was trying to be from the beginning. Approach someone who's hurt me with a smile and a hug, showing them my love, telling them they can do nothing to make my offer of friendship rescind. Always being there, always giving another chance. It's only after doing this, that I feel like I am truly being a good friend.

"he who covers an offense seeks love"

wandering slowly

a huge part of me loves doing things slowly.  I feel a vast freedom walking about at a relaxed pace, and just observing.  enjoying.

tonight, I was out of work after dark, and as I walked from my car to the bank I just... enjoyed.  the weather was pleasant and comfortably warm, snow melting from the sidewalks, sounds of a train coming to it's stop at the station down the street, and faint smell of a home cooked dinner in the air.  although I've walked that path from car to bank many times, I'd never felt the history of my town as I did right then.  just wandering slowly, observing the town around me, and loving it.  I love history, things old enrapture me.  my town is really old.  oldest in connecticut, I know it so well, and yet I never make an effort to see it.  but it's so gorgeous to see.

so I wandered slowly to the bank, savouring the scene, wishing I could capture the smells and sounds in a photograph.  I guess that's where art comes in, the photographer with vision can provoke those emotions, and let the observer's mind fill in what he felt.  connect through his art.  he doesn't just point and shoot.

I'm resolving to care less about time.  and wander slowly as often as I can.  if anyone reading this ends up doing the same, let me know what you felt.

"not all that who wander are lost"