what am i doing?

what am I doing? I tend to distance myself from cliches, but unfortunately tonight will have to be an exception.

I struggle with a nice variation of temptations, family issues, friendship troubles, and (most often) what to do throughout the day. but what am I doing? what motivates me to resist temptation, solve issues, fix troubles, and be productive? I'm discovering that the desire to merely lounge on my sofa and do word searches trumps all. but why does my mind fail to produce ways for me to improve when I have such an excess of time to do so? is it my nature to want development? because I feel like the desire is there, but the rest hasn't fallen into place. how can I manage to recede into uselessness when there are so many ways to improve? why can't failure only occur once for each problem?

I think it's because God wants me to not only improve, but to learn and grow. if we were able to fail once, and never again, then we'd just choose to fail at everything, so we'd never fail again. the effort would be lost.

but if we have to try our hardest every single time, then we're going to strengthen ourselves, and take on previously insurmountable things. instead of just being able to accomplish the same task again, we're able to accomplish not only that, but more. God built us to constantly get better over time. and He did it in such an amazing way that it can't be noticed until the bar is already raised.

that's what I want. to constantly improve. to become smarter and smarter, to conquer temptation after temptation, to be the greatest friend on the planet, the best brother in the world, to bless my parents with a great son, and put every day to good use. is this the first step towards improvement? I can only pray and walk forward I suppose.

process

so... this is my before and after for how I usually edit my pictures. I think I might do more of these in the future.

fun stuff

yeah so... I like working with wood a lot. I decided to make a little sword, so I found an unused plank in the basement, and got to work.

Silly me, when I put these all together I forgot that four ten meg files are going to make a ginormous size picture when put together. Fifty-eight megs lol. I decided to use the much lower quality jpeg format, and here ya go 1.6 megs =]

priorities

Each day begins with an almost subconscious list of priorities.  My wants and objectives populate the uppermost half, and more often than not, the truly important tasks sit below in this ambiguous list.

I'm awake. *check tiredness* work today? no. *check time* I love sleep. *fluff pillow, insert face*
Awake again. I feel like sleeping, even though I've slept enough, and and more rest could lead to oversleeping, and make me even more tired than... *fluff pillow, insert face*

I find that only when desire or obligation forces me, do I get out of bed expediently. Because sleeping in is always easier.

My insatiable nature, along with my stubbornness and the desire for my desires now, cock blocks what I know is always the better choice. And I do know.

It's usually as simple as brushing my teeth vs. not brushing my teeth.

I immediately list likes and dislikes.

>I like the clean teeth feeling...

>But I don't like minty mouth when I want to eat.
>I like going straight to the kitchen for food,
>so I don't like spending the time to clean my teeth, which always turns into completing my entire toilet.

>I don't like using all that energy, my arm will get tired, and I have sleepy hands...

>I don't like waiting longer for my like.

And almost instantaneously, the dislikes emerge victorious. And that's just teeth brushing! The endless "back of my mind" lists always favor my current priority.

Priorities are like that, the shove everything else aside. It's their greatest attribute, for I need to stuff those useless desires under my logical and strict priorities.

But how can something currently disliked, be shuffled up to the top of my priority list? I think the only way it's possible, is with the third most important gift God gave us, our emotions. They motivate, they give us unconquerable reasons to move forward. Because nothing wields more power in the mind than emotion. They change with the wind, yet they can't be stifled. And more often than not, they can't even be understood. It's so beautiful. It reminds me of the nature of God. It's never currently sensible.

But in that senselessness and unknown, there's beauty in the plan.  Sometime, only He knows when, we'll see. And it will be glorious.

Until then though, I'll try to use my emotions to prioritize. Trust in the unknown will appeal to your sense of reason.

Make good decisions a habit. Want them.

another day another dollar

I feel like... for the time being, I have a banal purpose for "doing"

Get up, but only just in time for work. Accomplish chores whenever you feel like geting around to doing them. Waste time. Put things that feel important... off for "later". Merely because you are much more comfortable right in this chair, and moving elsewhere is nigh impossible.

Days like those sicken me at their close. I need to find out what exactly can be put on the pedestal of purpose, and strive for it zealously. Every human must have some sort of motivation, something to aim for in the future. My motivations are hourly as of late; they need to be more paramount than the motivation to work hard for "only one more hour", just to be able to rest in the car when it's all over (for the day). I can't keep living like this, God had put more purpose in my life than these trivialities. But I've blinded myself to His vision, and I've covered up His plans with my own selfish and infantile desires. I've feel Him urge me to take time for Him, and figure out what He wants, but my laziness has continually bound me tight to my chair.

No more. Or should I say... Please more! I've been advised to spend an hour in daily solitude, somewhere where I feel God, to listen and share, and hear His will. And think. Hopefully my ears will have cleared up by the time this helpful practice has been completed.

friends

Today has been prolonged.  I think that whenever I wake earlier than average, that particular day becomes more like two.

Early rise for work, 6am. Typically, within the last four days, my rise out of bed occurred no sooner than 12:30pm; six hours is a huge difference.  That alone changes the day drastically, even more so working from 7-1, because time bends at work.  My breaks are scant, but I managed to go visit my good friend at work for the few minutes I had; a much needed relief from the mundane work setting to which I'm confined.

From work I headed over to my favourite family's house, which is always a good thing.  It was a nice, enjoyable visit, but although nothing out of the average happened, I left in a low mood.  I think it was because a significant goodbye had to happen.  The first real friend I had is leaving for college, and I'm just... here; doing nothing with my life, with no clue what the future holds beyond the next week.  She played such a pivotal role in my life, shaping it and putting it on this amazing course; just by inviting me over to hang out one day in June, years ago.  And as big and amazing as that is, our relationship is still so... free.  Our goodbye carried such little weight, showing me that nothing is changing; though the distance grows.  It makes me happy that we're staying the same, yet sad because I always long for a closer friendship, although I know my role in her life is not one of an intimate friend.  As I was talking to my sister tonight, I told her that although she may want a specific role, she is given the part that only her shoes can fill.  I must play my part, no matter what it may be, to the utmost.  I have no right to judge my Creator's casting decisions.  I hope and pray that this year challenges her, and produces great growth in her relationship with our God.

That doesn't change my sadness unfortunately; I was a mess after I woke up from an emotion induced nap. Just thinking about all my friends... and how they're going to be... away.  I've never been a person with a lot of friends, I tend to (ever since my first friend came along) be very social and nice to everyone, but only really close to a handful of people.  I think what makes it hard now, is that all my friends departing, have been mine for a while.  With so many gone, I don't really know what to do... my mind blanks when it comes to finding new friends.  That is one thing, if any, I have never been an adept at.  Thank God though, I still have a few with me.  One is leaving, but not for a few weeks yet.  I still have people to talk with, people who love me, it's merely a drastically reduced number.

God will provide, He always has.  I need to trust His judgement, and come closer to Him, so that I may hear His Spirit all the clearer.

James 1:2-5 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of you faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."

first

*sigh*

Today should only have an average amount of significance attributed to it in the annals of my mind.  Despite the great power of what should be, it seems as though today means something to me.

Maybe this shift of significance is because I found a motivation... This afternoon I was strongly urged to clean my room (not merely tidy up, mind you, but actually clean).  So after some time, I made my way upstairs and started cleaning it up, with the loving help of my kind mommy =] <3

While I was dusting, and moving things around, I noticed (not for the first time) that my room is very cramped.  I believe that my bed is too large, and my bookcase too small.  I think I'm done with squeezing around in very little space, it's time to make things... change.  So my purpose this afternoon was organization, and finding a way to make my room work; in a way that satisfied me.  Something that involves a lot of removal. First of all my bed must go, it's simply too large. After that, I'm going to box the contents of my bookcase, and then tear it apart. Piece by flimsy piece. Unfortunately I will have to depart from my two dressers as well =( They have served me well, and I like how they look, but they are too big.  And old.  I hope to achieve a more contemporary aesthetic.  And since I desire contemporary... no better place to look than Ikea!  I found a pretty awesome sofa bed, something I've always wanted, and as a plus it'll fit and work well with the feel of the room.  Along with that, I found a bookcase with triple the space I currently possess, as well as plenty of room for my many dvds =] I'm still in search for a way to organize my heaps of clothes within the small confines of my closet, but with this much motivation, I'm sure it won't be long until I find one.

On a different topic, today I felt... like I was on my own.  It was more empowering than I had always thought it would be.  I guess I've always thought about being out by myself as something... difficult and unenjoyable.  But it's nice. It's a challenge, and I find it satisfying to achieve things that are unasked, but needed.  Funny, what got me started on this whole thing was buying ingredients for salsa, and then making it from scratch with no real recipe.  I kept thinking of Julie and Julia, and a blog was the first thing that came to mind... So here I am.

The third thing that made today's significance more than average was the departure of a good friend.  I had wanted to remain somewhat aloof, while still conveying my emotion and sadness; but I feel more deeply about it than I had thought.  He has been my best friend for well over a year now, and a valuable support and pillar of reason whenever I needed it.  I feel terribly sad that he's leaving, with no speedy means of communication.  I'm happy for him though, because there is better than here for the time being.  I hope to improve myself while he's gone, so that he notices an obvious difference next time we meet.

here's a Bible verse I think shall be my family motto or whatever.

1 Corinthians 16:13-14 "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love."