what am i doing?

what am I doing? I tend to distance myself from cliches, but unfortunately tonight will have to be an exception.

I struggle with a nice variation of temptations, family issues, friendship troubles, and (most often) what to do throughout the day. but what am I doing? what motivates me to resist temptation, solve issues, fix troubles, and be productive? I'm discovering that the desire to merely lounge on my sofa and do word searches trumps all. but why does my mind fail to produce ways for me to improve when I have such an excess of time to do so? is it my nature to want development? because I feel like the desire is there, but the rest hasn't fallen into place. how can I manage to recede into uselessness when there are so many ways to improve? why can't failure only occur once for each problem?

I think it's because God wants me to not only improve, but to learn and grow. if we were able to fail once, and never again, then we'd just choose to fail at everything, so we'd never fail again. the effort would be lost.

but if we have to try our hardest every single time, then we're going to strengthen ourselves, and take on previously insurmountable things. instead of just being able to accomplish the same task again, we're able to accomplish not only that, but more. God built us to constantly get better over time. and He did it in such an amazing way that it can't be noticed until the bar is already raised.

that's what I want. to constantly improve. to become smarter and smarter, to conquer temptation after temptation, to be the greatest friend on the planet, the best brother in the world, to bless my parents with a great son, and put every day to good use. is this the first step towards improvement? I can only pray and walk forward I suppose.