just thinking

over the past few days, I've been spending a lot of time in thought. I've had a recurring decision (a test of character, if you will) face me in the past few months. The more I think of it, the more often I can see the test in my past.

I am faced with a friend who I care about, but has hurt me somehow. Most often in a passive, unintentional way. Temptation to lash out irrationally consumes my soul, to somehow convey how I feel, through misdeeds and painful speech, purposefully trying to bite with words.

But then I think.. why do I feel hurt? Why do I feel neglected or under appreciated? These thoughts lead to others, they make me rethink who I am, and who I need to be as a friend.

I've been told that I'm loyal, but I can't stop simply with loyalty, but to do more for my friends than what anyone else would even think of doing. I want to be entirely dependable, undeniably trustworthy, and I want to mean something to my friends. I want to be the most. I want to be special. And I want to be treated that way.

That's where the problem lies. I should have those characteristics, but without the desire, the need that I have, to be appreciated. My friendship should be humble, unassuming, and truly loyal. Always assuming the best, and never holding a grudge. Being cheerful when facing disappointment, optimistic when I feel like no one cares as much as I do.

I've faced this crossroad. On one side I can attack with subtle sarcasm and passive aggression, in a poor attempt to show how I feel. When all my good actions seem to fail, I can quit, and be a jerk. Letting the feelings burst out.

I'm ashamed when I do.

On the other hand, I can truly be the friend I was trying to be from the beginning. Approach someone who's hurt me with a smile and a hug, showing them my love, telling them they can do nothing to make my offer of friendship rescind. Always being there, always giving another chance. It's only after doing this, that I feel like I am truly being a good friend.

"he who covers an offense seeks love"